A Mediocre Mass Of Dirk And Jake Fictions
by YourAngstyNeighborhoodEmoTeen
Summary: A bunch of stories involving Dirk and Jake, spawned from roleplays I've been in. Some adorable, some a little serious, it's a mix.


These aren't in crammed in my other "fic" because these are a bit tamer than those. Naturally, I'll place what they're about aptly in the titles. Some of these will be adorable, comedic fun, but a few will may get a little serious since these are spawned from roleplays. (By the way, I couldn't get a hold of all the roleplayers involved, so if you find a roleplay you participated in here and you do not wish for it to be displayed then confirm such and I'll have no problem respecting your wishes.)

* * *

Shortly after waking up Dirk booted up his computer, he didn't really feel like talking but his pesterchum kept lighting up, whatever someone wanted they were really insistant about it. He opened the window to see Jake messaging him urgently with a worrying mood.

* * *

timaeusTestified [TT] joined chat.

GT: Strider thank golgotha youre finally online!

GT: Im having a bit of an emergency and your immediate correspondence would be most appreciated.

TT: Oh my god that pun was so bad I regret coming on, but alright.

TT: Yeah a major punemergency.

GT: Dirk im dreadfully serious!

GT: THIS is no laughing matter.

TT: Alright, I'll believe you. What's the deal today?

GT: My power flickered out and it hasnt turned back on.

GT: Im thankful for the connection my phone has but...

GT: Dirk its been several moments and ive waited and nothing and

GT: Its frightfully dark.

TT: Moments. You mean it's been less than ten minutes and you're already fearing death itself or something.

TT: Maybe... the oceanic power grids jogged?

TT: Damn seagull died on it or something.

GT: It may be right funny to you over there upon your steely tower with nothing but water in sight but unless you have forgotten i have ferocious fauna hungering over my blood which roam the very island i call home.

GT: So yes. Im fearing death itself and for good reason.

TT: Oh, well. You got guns. They're not electrical so there's that. I guess I see your concern a bit though.

TT: It'll probably come back on... maybe.

GT: I fear for if it doesn't.

TT: Well, worst case scenario I could probably send you over a reserve battery and you could hook it up to the houses grid or whatever and get some power.

TT: Do the fauna not like your porchlights?

TT: Light some candles that'll show 'em.

GT: No they are repelled by light...

GT: Or the nocturnal ones are anyhow.

GT: I doubt candles do much.

TT: Oh... okay I'm kinda with you now on that one.

TT: Well how bad are the nocturnal guys? Like little angry deers?

GT: How i wish they could be so gentle.

TT: Angry eagles?

TT: Moose are frickin' dicks I garauntee you, they'll do some damage.

GT: I encourage you to be a little more imaginative and draw your creativity from the stuff of nightmares.

GT: Unless moose flit through your nightmares.

GT: In which case draw upon something more sinister.

TT: Um... those weird dreams I have with incubi in them? Don't inquire any further about what those dreams are about.

GT: ...

TT: They're really freaky... shut up.

TT: You're just not as explorative. Hush. Got Neytiri posters on your wall for fucks sake.

GT: The only way in which i can describe the frightening creatures of the night range between the influence of gargantuan armored insects to bristling dragons.

GT: I have other reasons to fear them too dirk.

GT: Many.

GT: A myriad.

TT: Oh, that's not even hot in any sense. Yeah, fuck incubi those bastards would slay them.

GT: My grandmother died on account of one of those beasts dirk.

GT: Please...

GT: Do not make light of this.

TT: Sorry.

TT: Just, well I dunno. In the event a truly psychopathic and paculiarly painful looking one corners your ass uh... you have bullets. That can serve many purposes.

TT: But aside from that maybe just hunker down in the basement?

GT: Its dark.

GT: Down there is pitch black i...

TT: It's safe.

TT: Do you have a horrible opposition to the dark aside from the fauna liking it?

TT: They like the dark because they can find prey easy in it but if you're just in the basement they shouldn't be able to see you.

GT: Its difficult to explain dirk.

GT: I know logically i should but...

GT: Im no man of logic.

GT: You of all people should be rather well acquainted with my irrational rationale.

TT: ... do you genuinly have a fear of the dark that's unrelated to fauna?

GT: Trauma does lovely things to the mind and id rather not open that can of worms tonight of all nights.

TT: Oh.

TT: Well do you have a flashlight you can flick around?

TT: yyyeah I'm not getting you into that basement am I?

GT: Not for one million boonbucks.

TT: *le sigh* alright. Well, you're in quite the pickle it would seem.

TT: Dare I say a cucumber.

GT: ...

TT: I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell ya. Lighting the mood's basically my arsenal right now.

TT: You're shrouded in darkness, refuse to go the the safest place in such a situation, and are surrounded by everything you fear.

TT: Bundle up, don't sleep. Eat some zuchinni, this is beyond cucumber territory.

GT: Remind me to squash you upon our first encounter.

GT: ...

GT: And no i did not intend any sort of vegetable pun whatsoever before you accuse me of it.

TT: Yeah, didn't think you'd go pumkin' me like that.

GT: ...

GT: That one was a bit of a stretch...

TT: Yeah, well it's pretty early for me. Tomato I'll be more on par.

TT: Lettuce just try to make the best of what I can dish out for now.

GT: Well tomato i vegemight be able to toss them back at you but as of right now?

GT: I find them very ill fitting...

GT: And crazy enough to quell some of my anxiety.

TT: Well I got a cumberous amount if you're feelin' up to it turnighp.

TT: Cheese, I'm trying my best here.

GT: Well if you arent a parsinippity one.

GT: But dirk.

GT: Though you may think yourself cool as a cucumber.

GT: I find you are only

GT: Radish.

TT: *chokes violently on the horrendous salad of hell we've created*

TT: Cabbage we just take a step back here?

GT: Oh come on dirk. Werent you just saying that itd be a cakewalk?

TT: Cake isn't a vegetable.

TT: This is all wrong.

GT: Neither is cheese strider.

TT: I thought for sugar this was the answer but it seems no matter what I do things are just getting worse from here on brusslespr-out.

GT: Dirk.

GT: Youre trying too hard.

TT: I think I'm trying to little if anything. I must carrot on.

TT: Beetroot to myself.

GT: Oh my starfruit and garters dont strain yourself trying to write these.

GT: Its a hard row to hoe as well. Do tread carefully.

TT: Don't worry I've got a-egg-plan-t. Okay? Peas don't think too much of my punion skills.

GT: To be frank i think very little of them. But i didnt want to hurt your peelings if i confessed it outright.

GT: Too late now so it seems.

TT: I yam mildly offended by that.

GT: Only mildly?

GT: I was excecting that youd be appled.

TT: ... *cringes* well, orange you going a little far now?

GT: What? Is that a surrender i hear?

GT: Well well dirk.

GT: It appears your goose is well and truly cooked now doesnt it?

TT: No, I just thought I'd give fruit puns a spinach but it seems that was a lost cause.

TT: Also, I wish I had a cooked goose hot damn.

TT: I'm eating soggy artificial chicken for breakfast.

GT: Hot... potato?

GT: That sounds dreadful strider.

TT: No, sit down.

TT: Yes, it is.

TT: Don't you only have pumpkins to eat though?

TT: Frankly I couldn't imagine living like that.

GT: I have the luxury of a smorgasbord of island fruits right for the picking along with the ranks of pumpkins sprawling about.

GT: Its not so bad.

GT: If you dont mind the danger of course...

TT: I just thought of something. Have you ever tried eating any monster meat or whatever?

GT: I have...

GT: And i do.

GT: On the occasion that i actually manage to slay a beast.

TT: Is it good?

GT: Horrid.

GT: Well...

GT: Depends on the beast.

TT: Oh. What ones are good?

TT: Out of curiosity, I know I'll never get to eat them.

GT: Well... one of the memories i have with my gram was when we took out a crablike monstrosity. We feasted like kings that night upon the soft meat inside.

GT: Perhaps the memory is saturated with sweet reverie but i think that has been my favorite...

GT: Or at least thus far.

TT: Ah.

TT: Random thing, have you ever killed one of those badass spider creatures I heard you mention?

GT: Not the mother.

GT: I have with some of the younglings that have hatched but... never the mother.

TT: Damn.

TT: Probably doesn't help that mamma spider's pissed as fuck you keep slaughtering her babies.

GT: Where she lurks i have no business meddling.

GT: I think we have reached a mutual sort of stalemate where we understand this.

GT: The mother and i.

TT: Hehe, she stays the hell away and you return the favor?

TT: Political spider8itch. Nice.

GT: I dont think she wants to put up with me. Besides i have a nice rock quarry where she enjoys spending her days weaving and performing her other arachnid entertainments.

GT: We just prefer not to get in a tangle with one another i believe.

GT: Itd be a sticky situation for the both of us.

TT: Yeah. I can see that.

TT: Are there any other fauna with as a good a concept of personal space as her or are the rest just blundering idiots?

TT: With scythes for fingers.

GT: There is one blundering idiot to which i am... quite fond of actually.

TT: Oh, do tell?

GT: An adorable little pixie bull species that are rather fond of me as well it seems.

TT: Woah, there are creatures that don't thirst for your blood. Well that's pretty rad.

GT: They are very quaint in all honesty.

GT: Its a shame that i always er...

GT: Many tragic accidents happen whenever these little pixie bulls get too close.

GT: They often bumble into me at inopportune times and...

GT: There is nigh always collateral damage of some kind.

TT: ... are you saying they do nothing but purr over your fine ass and you like, step on their skulls by accident?

TT: Like when a toddler hugs a cat to death?

GT: ...

TT: Have I misunderstood your drug out explanation?

GT: No.

GT: Once again you are painfully accurate.

TT: Oh god.

TT: You haven't actually stepped on one's little skull have you?

GT: It was an accident i swear!

TT: Jake the baby cow murderer, fitting title.

GT: I gave it a proper funeral upon roxys request.

GT: Dont call me a murderer.

GT: It was an accident.

TT: Just, that's horrible though.

GT: I know im horrible.

GT: The worst.

GT: A mangler of the innocent creatures that flit too close or tread where i cannot see them.

GT: Brand me for my incompetence and for the bloodshed for which i am responsible!

GT: Perhaps we had it wrong dirk.

GT: I am the monster who roams this island.

TT: Deep

GT: Oh!

GT: Oh hold the phone!

TT: Don't worry I drew you a thing to make you feel better.

TT: What?

GT: Well i am holding the phone but dirk.

TT: I'm holding the nonexistant phone.

TT: Wait, if I've got the phone, and you've got the phone...

GT: Something marvelous has just transpired.

TT: Then who's flying this phone.

TT: What?

GT: FORGET THE FINAGLED PHONES!

GT: THE LIGHT!

GT: HAHA!

GT: BINGO!

TT: Woah light?

GT: Light yes!

GT: Sweet sweet light.

TT: Woah nice.

GT: And of course the electricity too but... yes.

GT: Im safe again.

GT: At long last.

GT: Phew.

GT: Dirk.

TT: Yes, but are the fairy bulls? Just kidding, holy shit that's gr8 m8.

GT: Oh my word strider!

GT: Rain on my parade will you?

GT: But yes it is back and i am scott free!

GT: Or so i hope.

GT: I likely need to survey the compound for any invasive creatures but...

GT: Oh i can worry about that later perhaps.

GT: Haha. Ha...

TT: Yes, joyous day. Do your jig.

TT: Ha...?

GT: ...

GT: Its a large house.

TT: Yes, you have a big house.

GT: I dont wish to peer into every nook in cranny within this jungle abode of mine.

TT: Oh.

GT: Indeed well...

GT: Oh would you look at the time!

TT: Oh, must you leave so soon?

GT: Great galloping gottschalk its preposterously late i

GT: I have no business i keeping you up so!

TT: Hehe, you weren't trust me.

TT: Anyways I should go do some shit too though. I did actually draw you a thing though.

(( This website doesn't allow pictures in our works despite that being a normal thing in books, so pretend you saw the picture I originally drew of Jake stepping on a tinkerbull fairy. ))

GT: I was about to offer you a heartfelt thank you with words of profound sincerity and gratitude and now...

TT: Why ever not?

GT: Oh you know bloody well why.

TT: Do iiiiiiii?

GT: Im tempted to just call it a night now. No thanks necessary.

TT: Haha.

GT: ...

GT: But in all honesty i must profess my gratitude no matter how begrudging.

GT: My grandmother raised me better...

GT: Thank you dirk.

GT: Your company has aided me through this most trying time and i am grateful to have such a devoted friend willing to keep up with me even at such ridonkulous hours such as this.

TT: Oh wow, thats actually kinda heart felt there. Thanks.

TT: I mainly just did what I do best though, vegetable puns and drawings depicting you crushing fairy cow babies.

GT: What you did was infinitely more to me but... yes undercut the sentiment and make me feel like a complete pansy. Wonderful.

TT: Hehe.

GT: Cheeky blither.


End file.
